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Entry #235

Are you Alright?

2017-12-11 23:04:09 by Krutches
Updated

I'm probably not. I have a bit of post traumatic stress disorder.
I also have this issue with correlation, I can't ever see things as random happenstance.
I'm constantly linking things together in my mind, high, sober, drunk, medicated, etc.
It just doesn't stop
I never think of what is, I only think of the motives behind them.
It causes me to either walk on egg shells or stomp around.
It's part of the lifestyle I was raised in, detritus.
Manic Depression, in Lower Mania I want to liberate and create and take control, however I always grow dizzy with responsibility that I ultimately care not at all, Mania, Then I intentionally hurt myself to test the limits of the system, Upper Mania.
Once upon the realization that I have been hurt too vastly, I feel as though no one cared enough to try and stop it. I blame them and myself for driving them away. I sulk into madness thinking everyone is laughing behind my back. Then I awaken to realize I might be paranoid, or is it fate, or is it happenstance? I have trained my eye to not notice the things that synchronize but only the synchronizations themself.
I follow the wires controlling the puppets until I come to a single source and that's when I say "I've got it, I'll do better next time." Only to fall asleep and repeat the process.
I leave myself reminders, and I remind myself through memories or landmarks or works of art to not make wrong decisions, or to remember right decisions and to be like how it was once.
I am never living in the now, constantly going from past to future. I am the nowhen man.
I either beat myself to the bloody pulpit or I conquer the entire valley. Ultimately what will happen inside of me is the synthesis of my Soul.
The amalmagation of my inner turmoil, memories and doubts and fears as well as my pleasures my loves my hopes and dreams.

To learn from those that are painful but taught me, but to discard those that are too painful. For me to embrace my ambitions that will lead me down the right path, and not shoot too high and wander a stray.
I am not alright, but I will be fine.


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